1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,914 - [ Chattering ] - [ Jay ] I gotta tell you- 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,560 If I could just have everybody's attention real quick. 3 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,200 Um, on this wonderful occasion- 4 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:13,239 our daughter leaving tomorrow for college - [All] Oh! 5 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:15,835 If I could get everyone to raise their glass. 6 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:19,800 As I quote from one of our nation's great fathers-Jefferson. 7 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,758 George Jefferson. 8 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,355 "I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university, 9 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,397 but here I stand, a proud black man, 10 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,517 knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner"- 11 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,399 - Phil. - Not now, Weezy. Where was I? 12 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:32,994 Quoting that president. 13 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:34,514 Okay, If she's the future of America, 14 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,161 we should start using Chinese money now. 15 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,680 We already are. 16 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,717 My arm is tired. To Haley. 17 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:41,359 [ All ] To Haley! 18 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,557 And before everyone puts their glasses down, 19 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,677 uh, we're also very proud of Lily. 20 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:48,480 Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten. 21 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,870 To Lily. [ Gloria ] Oh, Lily. 22 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,640 To Lily. And you'll be impressed to know... 23 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,760 that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there. 24 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,440 Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64? Eight. 25 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,398 - [ Phil ] Hey! - Nice trick. 26 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,790 Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato? 27 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,349 - Eight. - Congratulations. You have a parrot. 28 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,432 [ Mouthing Words ] 29 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,150 We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley before you pulled focus to Lily. 30 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:13,039 Oh, come on. It's-It's a big day for both of them, huh? 31 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,077 Haley going to college is a miracle. 32 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,072 Lily going to kindergarten is the law. 33 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:21,074 Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school. 34 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,550 My mom and Jay are going to parenting class. 35 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,031 We're doing it for the baby. Not this baby. That baby. 36 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,874 Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing. 37 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,838 A couple of new hairs under his arm, 38 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,276 and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother. 39 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,200 I know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood. 40 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,072 I don't know why I have to go to this thing. 41 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,953 In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids. 42 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:42,520 [ Claire ] Ow! Ow! Ow! 43 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,472 Stop pulling my hair. Stop twisting my nipple. 44 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,831 Shut up. Shut up. Ow! 45 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,270 Why look at me? It was their mother's fault. 46 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,874 I was barely around. 47 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,599 No! O-Ow! 48 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:54,628 Hey, hey 49 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,155 Hey 50 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,873 Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products. 51 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,429 Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute. 52 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,791 Don't say a word. No. No. I agree with that premise. 53 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,600 Thank you. Wait. 54 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,353 Yeah, thank you. 55 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,160 Claire. Mm-hmm? 56 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,550 In Haley's stuff, there's a box of condoms. 57 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,030 Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her. 58 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:31,194 What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? 59 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,590 Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head. 60 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:35,717 Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college. 61 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,753 I want to be realistic. I don't want her to get caught unprepared. 62 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,400 Twenty-four times? What, are you buying her a four-year supply? 63 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,400 [ Scoffs ] Please, Phil. That would've lasted me and my college boyfriend- 64 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,194 Ah! La, la, la, la, la, la! 65 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,397 [ Sighs ] Okay, we gotta hit the road. 66 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,512 Give your sister a hug good-bye. 67 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,118 Don't dork up our room. Don't slut up your college. 68 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:57,950 Hmm. 69 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,514 Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay? 70 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,353 I'm totally going to have fun. 71 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,830 I'm Iceland in the mock U.N. 72 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,593 Mom, we're gonna lose her. 73 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,990 I am doing my best. 74 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,958 Luke, come say good-bye to your sister. 75 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,680 [ Muffled ] I'm right here. 76 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,036 Bye, Haley. Have fun. 77 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,112 Don't drink too much beer and shots of tequila. 78 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,839 Why are you wearing that mask? 79 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:23,832 Uh, I like it. 80 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:25,673 He doesn't want you to see him cry. 81 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,996 He's literally masking his emotions. No! 82 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,878 That's so sweet. Come here. 83 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,475 It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. 84 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,712 Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, 85 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,395 and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth. 86 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,073 Oh! Oh! 87 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,675 Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, 88 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,480 but I'm gonna be okay, knowing I've done everything I can... 89 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:49,713 to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot. 90 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,029 Not me. 91 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,200 When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, 92 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,039 it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. 93 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,271 I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw AirBud. 94 00:03:58,360 --> 00:03:59,589 Oh. 95 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,717 Especially when I give her this. 96 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,274 Phil's-osophy. Hmm. 97 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,000 A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned, 98 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,594 such as- 99 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,992 "Always look people in the eye, 100 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:14,753 even if they're blind. 101 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,912 Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'" 102 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,957 Or... 103 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,760 "If you get pulled over for speeding, 104 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,514 tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea." 105 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,514 Phil's-osophy. 106 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,116 [ Children Chattering ] 107 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,351 Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily. 108 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,272 So many great toys to play with. 109 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,431 And you're gonna make so many new friends. Oh! 110 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,756 I wish I was in kindergarten again. Oh, not me. 111 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,400 Did I ever tell you about David Anthony? He used to call me "Cam the Ham." 112 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,797 Okay, Lily's day. You're right. You know what? It's gonna be a great day. 113 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,315 I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up with a name that rhymes with ham. 114 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,199 Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch. 115 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,316 [ Whispers ] Bitch. 116 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,233 Elaine Stritch. What? 117 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,152 Not all bullies are straight. 118 00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,078 Okay, parents! [ Cameron ] Oh! Okay. 119 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,992 We'll see you at 12:00. 120 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,560 All right. Mmm! 121 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,478 This is when the crying starts. Mmm! 122 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,711 Does it ever stop? Come on, Cam. 123 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,598 Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie? 124 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,712 I know this is gonna be difficult-Bye! 125 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,554 Okay. That was a knife to the heart. 126 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,200 No, it's-it's a good thing. Come on. 127 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,915 Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack. Oh. 128 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,071 [ Mitchell ] Where'd she-Where'd she go? 129 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,154 - Did she go there? - Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts! 130 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,630 Oh, Lily, honey! Sweetheart, come here. Come here. 131 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,152 If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, 132 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,640 I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole... 133 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,479 and let the birds peck out your eyes. 134 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,435 You understand? 135 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,637 Mr. Tucker, put that boy down! 136 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,199 He pulled my daughter's hair. 137 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:49,873 Please apologize to Connor... 138 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,795 for using your hands instead of your words. 139 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:55,872 Sorry, little fella. 140 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,032 I would like to see you in my office. Right. 141 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,919 Now, please. Me too? Oh. 142 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,878 [ Mouthing Words ] 143 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,075 Caw! Caw! 144 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,629 Stop it. Leave him alone. 145 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,000 [ Door Closes ] 146 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,197 Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable. 147 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,511 I agree. Is this kindergarten or The Hunger Games? 148 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,319 I'm speaking of your behavior. 149 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,079 We've never had an incident like this, 150 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,720 and now we've had one on the first day, before circle time. 151 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,314 What the fudge were you thinking? 152 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,437 Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, 153 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,318 they're mad as Hello Kitty. 154 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,790 Oh, you told his parents on us? [ Scoffs ] 155 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,553 That is- That is so not cool. 156 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:39,395 Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did, they will be understanding. 157 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:43,315 All right. Whoever made our son cry has messed with the wrong moms. 158 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,437 [ Together ] Lesbians. 159 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,751 While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians... 160 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,797 have less in common than one might think. 161 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,714 Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, 162 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:57,038 you have gay men- And straight men. 163 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,793 Both the same gender. 164 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,072 Then you have gay men- And straight women. 165 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,755 Both attracted to the same gender. 166 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,672 But gay men and lesbians? 167 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,316 No. 168 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:09,669 Nothing. Yeah. 169 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,195 I am so sorry we have to meet like this, 170 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,192 but I'm sure you can understand, as parents, 171 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,272 the instinct to protect your child. 172 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,001 Yeah, that's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now. 173 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,390 Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression. 174 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,312 Okay, let's all take a time-out. 175 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,357 That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated. Right? 176 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:28,319 Yeah, Pam. We don't want another incident like at the lumberyard. 177 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,960 Oh, my God. You guys go to The Lumberyard too? 178 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,679 I didn't know they had a ladies' night. 179 00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:34,513 Not the bar, Sally. 180 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,838 Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice, and you just called him Sally. 181 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,071 Yeah, you're not being very helpful, Peppermint Patty. 182 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,959 - Let's just stick to our actual names. - Enough. 183 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,157 I'm gonna give you a little homework assignment. 184 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,039 I want you and your kids to have a family playdate. 185 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:49,952 Maybe if the four of you can get along, 186 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,997 you can set a better example for your children. 187 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,959 I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam? 188 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,360 Fine. Cam? 189 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,597 Fine. We'll host, obviously. "Obviously"? 190 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,240 Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house. 191 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:02,834 You've got a lot of nerve. 192 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,510 Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room. 193 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,398 I look forward to your frittata. 194 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,154 Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008? 195 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,675 [ Woman Chattering ] Yeah. 196 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,274 Thank you. 197 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,312 You have some explaining to do. 198 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,313 I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay. 199 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:24,669 [ Chuckling ] 200 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,877 Wow, you two are really far along. 201 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,872 We're, uh-We're still on our first trimester. 202 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,599 Ay, that's nice. 203 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,319 Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages. 204 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,791 She's Latina. You just gotta look at her funny. 205 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,918 [ English Accent ] Okay! Now that everyone has their doll, 206 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,878 let's talk about swaddling. 207 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:44,237 Now, you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket toward you, 208 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,834 like a diamond, 209 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,920 and folding the top down, like this. 210 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,993 [ Whispers ] I think they made a mistake at the hospital. 211 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,393 Tough room. 212 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,393 Now we are going to pull the other corner round... 213 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,075 and tuck it in nice and snug... 214 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,674 like a burrito. 215 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,956 Done! I win. 216 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,555 - It's not a race. - Darn right. It wasn't even close. 217 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,350 Oh! [ Laughs ] 218 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,399 Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight. 219 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,439 It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out. 220 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,512 Here. And try like this. 221 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,190 And see? 222 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,636 Now your baby can breathe. 223 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,790 I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. 224 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,157 I think I know how to keep a baby safe. [ Scoffs ] 225 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,952 Man, I love being back in the dorms. 226 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,191 It's like I never left. 227 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,273 Throw up a David Copperfield poster, this could be my room. 228 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,795 Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out some paperwork. 229 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,076 Why don't you throw the linens on the bed? 230 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,271 Oh, and move the car before they tow us. Okay. 231 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,033 Oh, my God. What is that shirt? 232 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,351 Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy Moving Company." 233 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,239 See? 'Cause we're moving you here and here. 234 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,313 And also... here. 235 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:06,438 Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that. 236 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,113 I bet we could still do it. 237 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,190 Yeah! Yeah. 238 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:10,760 Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. 239 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,111 - Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off. - What? Why? 240 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,431 - It's cute! - It's not cute! 241 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,193 Do you see what's happening out there? 242 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,193 - People are walking around and judging each other. - No, they're not. 243 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,273 Oh, really? You didn't see the way Muffin Top across the hall was looking at me? 244 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,591 People can be cruel. So take it off. 245 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,876 [ Sighs ] Fine. 246 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,480 Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! 247 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,756 I don't know what you want from me! 248 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,116 "You only get one chance at a first impression. 249 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:39,114 I suggest Julia Child, because it's easy to do." 250 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,800 [ Imitating Julia Child ] Save the giblets. 251 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,360 [ Laughs ] 252 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:44,801 [ Connor ] Time to go to the beach! 253 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:46,837 [ Mitchell ] You're gonna go to the beach with the dog? 254 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,232 That dog on the beach. I don't know what I did to deserve this. 255 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,118 I want to show Connor my toys. 256 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,600 Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie. 257 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,798 - Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling. - Thank you for that. 258 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,510 Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here. 259 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,239 All vegetarian, of course. 260 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,074 Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian? 261 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,675 Well, I saw it on The L Word. I assume they have consultants. 262 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,561 I'm just saying, it's an offensive stereotype. 263 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,916 Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian. 264 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,912 - Oh! - Knock it off. 265 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,912 [ Mitchell ] Worked out. [ Chuckles ] 266 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,310 Yeah. So glad that we are doing this. 267 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,232 Yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah. 268 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,073 I mean, we're the only gay parents in the class. 269 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,271 Yeah, we should be supporting one another. 270 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,751 - I mean, we have so much in common. - Exactly. 271 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,634 So... tell us about yourselves. 272 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,559 I'm an environmental lawyer. Uh, and I'm a homemaker. 273 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:37,960 Hmm. 274 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,594 And- And what do you do? 275 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,359 I'm a financial consultant. 276 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,796 - I'm a contractor. - Hmm. 277 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,673 You thought I was a P.E. teacher? 278 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,672 I figured. Hey, I have a question. Real quick: 279 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,558 How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle? 280 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,235 Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday next week. 281 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,471 - Maybe Lily would like to come. - Oh, she would love that. 282 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,199 Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown? 283 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,552 Oh, God, no. I hate clowns. They're so creepy. 284 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:04,474 Maybe you just don't like 'em 'cause they wear makeup. [ Pops Lips ] 285 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,439 You know what? I'm out. 286 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,791 Okay. Connor, we're leaving! 287 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,076 You don't understand. Cam used to be a clown. 288 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:13,800 "Used to be"? Once a clown, always a clown. 289 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,479 God! Not now! Not now! Stop it! 290 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,592 Connor, let's go! Pam. 291 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,477 What? Why is this door locked? 292 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,677 Here. Let me, please. 293 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:27,480 Lily, open this door right now. 294 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,557 Okay. I'm not hearing anything. 295 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:33,037 I'm sure they're fine. Oh, how are you sure? 296 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,474 Connor! Lily! 297 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,398 Connor! [ High-pitched Voice ] Lily! 298 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,950 Make the water comfortably warm- 299 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,555 90 to 100 degrees max. 300 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,200 And never leave the tub unsupervised. 301 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:48,760 [ Sputters, Snickers ] 302 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:49,990 [ Mock Coughing ] 303 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,396 Is there something you two want to share with the class? 304 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,756 No. It's dirty. 305 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,309 Excuse me. We're trying to learn here. 306 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:01,110 Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think. 307 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,113 When I was five years old, my babysitter was a goat. 308 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,755 What? Ay, please. You know about Lupe. 309 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,433 Never said she was a goat. 310 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:12,275 You know, it's great that we have a couple of experienced parents in the class. 311 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,956 Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us. 312 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,918 Absolutely. It's not rocket science. 313 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,798 It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em. 314 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,111 - They're teething, you give 'em some scotch. - Scotch? 315 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,440 [ Woman ] Really? [ Murmuring ] 316 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:24,715 What? 317 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,878 So we left. I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins. 318 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,714 And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito. 319 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,713 [ Chattering ] 320 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,269 [ Boy ] I called you, like, five times already. 321 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,640 I'd like admission to your student body. [ Gasps ] 322 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,440 Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife. 323 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,830 - What's going on? - He grabbed me and said- 324 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,991 I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot. 325 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,759 [ Haley ] Dad? How'd he grab you? 326 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,440 He squeezed my butt. He what? 327 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,398 Phil! I thought it was you! 328 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,513 Believe me, sir, I'm a respected Realtor. This is an innocent mistake. 329 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,035 Honey, turn around and show him your butt. It's-It's uncanny. 330 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,477 Dad! I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them. 331 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,069 Are those your My Little Pony sheets? What? No! 332 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,674 Oh. I ordered them online. 333 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,680 They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry. 334 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,831 That's what was in the box. Oh. [ Haley Gasps ] 335 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,397 Okay. Uh, for the record, 336 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,551 I am a respected Realtor. 337 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,678 Those are not my condoms. She bought 'em. 338 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,120 - Oh, my God. - Apparently, that's what people do these days- 339 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,992 buy condoms for their kids. Uh-huh. 340 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,197 When I went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. 341 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,680 That was their idea of safety. Certainly didn't need condoms. 342 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,713 Not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't. 343 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,871 - Am I right? - Ugh! 344 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,919 Why don't we let you guys finish, and we'll come back later? 345 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,514 Okay. Okay. 346 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,193 Yeah. Yep. Yeah. 347 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,193 Yeah, that sounds good. See you on parents' weekend! 348 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,032 They seem nice. Guys- 349 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,680 I know. I know. Look, we need to reorganize a little. 350 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,797 Your dad will go out and get us some new sheets. 351 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,270 You and I can hang up all the pictures on the walls. 352 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,480 You know what? I think it's best if you guys get going. 353 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,957 But we-we wanted to help you, sweetie. No, I got it. 354 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,713 Wh-What if you wanna move the furniture around? 355 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,991 And we were gonna take you to dinner before we left. 356 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,198 I like the furniture where it is, and I'm not hungry, so- 357 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:10,680 Okay. Okay. 358 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,911 Um, well, before we leave, 359 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,713 I wanted to give you a little present. Oh. 360 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,234 It's actually not a little present. 361 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,789 It's probably the best present you're ever gonna get. 362 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,314 It's a collection of all the things I've learned- 363 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,949 Thanks. Uh- 364 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,874 [ Woman On P.A. ] Attention. Dorm meeting in the common room. 365 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,754 Okay, so-I better go. [ Claire ] I know. 366 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,394 [ Phil ] Okay. [ Mouths Words ] 367 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,233 Okay, come here. That's my girl. 368 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,920 [ Chuckles ] Let me get in there. Okay. 369 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,514 All right. Bye! 370 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,512 Bye. 371 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,597 "The most amazing things that can happen to a human being... 372 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,319 will happen to you... 373 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,835 if you just lower your expectations." 374 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,637 Oh, they've got something over the hole. 375 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,632 [ High-pitched Voice ] Lily! Connor! 376 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,918 We can't see anything from outside. The curtains are closed. 377 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,674 Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a hot dog! 378 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,399 What if something happened to them? 379 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,160 What kind of hazards do you keep in there? 380 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,401 Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection, 381 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,557 our abandoned refrigerator and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles. 382 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,320 Why are gay men always so sarcastic? It's my coping mechanism! 383 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:11,880 Okay, that's it! 384 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,078 Lily, Connor, if you can hear me, back away from the door. 385 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,959 I'm gonna break it down. I'll help you. 386 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:18,753 [ Lily ] I don't want Connor to go! 387 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,634 [ Connor ] I wanna stay! Oh, thank God. They're alive. 388 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,200 [ Lily ] I love him! 389 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:26,432 No, you love the idea of him. Now open this door, sweetie. 390 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,637 [ Connor ] Can we really have hot dogs? 391 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,677 Yes, we promise. 392 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,881 [ Pam ] Oh! [ Mitchell ] Come here, sweetheart. 393 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,994 [ Cameron] If you ask me, sometimes we get so hung up on our differences, 394 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,117 we forget the one thing we have in common. 395 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,999 When it comes to the safety and well-being of our children, 396 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,072 we're all a little bit nuts. 397 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,836 You have dainty little hands, just like your daughter. 398 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,434 You have boots like my dad. 399 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,590 I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep... 400 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,353 or brushed my teeth. 401 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,477 It just stayed outside my bedroom window... 402 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,313 and scared all the strangers away. 403 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,472 Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed. Hey, kid! 404 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,711 Jay, Mom. How was class? 405 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,474 It was great. It was very educating. 406 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,950 And-And now we know everything about the baby, no? 407 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,158 Mm-hmm. Interesting, because your teacher called, 408 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,675 and you forgot your sunglasses when you left- 409 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,717 three hours early. 410 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,439 Ay, Manny, don't be mad. 411 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,394 I'm not mad. Just disappointed. 412 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,035 I hate this. I prefer when he screams. 413 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:29,875 Manny, it's no big deal. They weren't telling us anything we didn't already know. 414 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,680 We're going to have a baby. Am I the only one who's terrified? 415 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,720 But why? Why are you so terrified? 416 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:40,111 What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives or stick its finger in an electric socket? 417 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,112 You were pretty lax, Mom. 418 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,511 I was the one who told you to turn the pot handles towards the stove so I couldn't reach them. 419 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,640 Manny, I didn't worry about those things because you worried for the both of us. 420 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,633 What if this baby doesn't think things through? It's part Jay. 421 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,155 No offense taken. 422 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,800 If the baby's different, we'll be different. 423 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:02,909 Hey. When you were growing up, you had to be the man of the house and the kid. 424 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,515 Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid. 425 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,751 I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, 426 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,072 just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. 427 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,231 - Okay? - Okay. 428 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,352 That is a load off. 429 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,672 Although, you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class. 430 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,229 We didn't forget. We were just 10 minutes late. 431 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,198 Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood. 432 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,034 Please. It was between a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn. 433 00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,680 "Dance until your feet hurt. 434 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,480 Sing until your lungs hurt. 435 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:34,997 Act until you're William Hurt." 436 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,072 How you doing? Are you okay? 437 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,915 Yeah. No, I'm- I'm-I'm-I'm good. You? 438 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,719 Fine. Yeah. 439 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,280 Great. 440 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,632 [ Chattering ] 441 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,794 [ Girl Laughing ] 442 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,997 [Phil] "Take a lesson from parakeets. 443 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,551 If you�re ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror. 444 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,955 Never be afraid to reach for the stars, 445 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,759 because even if you fall, 446 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:15,517 you'll always be wearing a parent-chute. T. M." 447 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,473 [ Cell Phone Rings ] [ Beeps ] 448 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,791 Haley! Hi, honey. You okay? 449 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,313 Yeah. 450 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,835 - Where are you guys? - Almost home, honey. 451 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:29,231 Dad, I really like that book. You do? 452 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,596 Sweetheart, is everything okay? 453 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,957 Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for everhing- 454 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,635 you know, today and stuff. 455 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,033 Of course. Of course. Sure. 456 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,271 If-If you need anything at all, you just call us. 457 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,711 I'll probably need some more condoms soon. [Phil] Not funny. 458 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,871 I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets. 459 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,356 Anyway, I should probably get going. 460 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,079 We have orientation at 7:00 a.m. 461 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,232 G-Good luck with that, sweetie. 462 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,237 I love you guys. 463 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,471 We love you too, honey. 464 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,313 So, so much. 465 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:06,596 Bye. Bye, Haley. 466 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,399 I'll miss you. 467 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:24,279 "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed." 468 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,314 See? 469 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,791 "Older black ladies make the best iced tea." 470 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,075 "Success is one percent inspiration, 471 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,914 98% perspiration... 472 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,640 and two percent attention to detail." 473 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,911 "You can tell a lot about a person... 474 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,992 from his biography." 475 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,035 "Watch a sunrise at least once a day." 476 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,796 "If you love something, set it free- 477 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,520 unless it's a tiger." 478 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,193 "If you're ever in a jam, 479 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:01,559 a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache." 480 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,917 "When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. 481 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,959 Life will be all, like, 'What?'"